Zoloft for depression and mood management.
Ritalin for fatigue and brain fog.
Myrbetric for bladder incontinence.
Xanax for anxiety and acute panic attacks.
Gabapentin for nerve pain and joint stiffness.
Crestor for high cholesterol.
Ibuprofen 800ML for general pain and inflammation.
Ocrevus for Multiple Sclerosis Therapy.
These are the medications I am currently prescribed. If I chose to follow all of the advice of my doctors, I would be taking numerous pills every day of my life for the foreseeable future. I’m not saying that any of these medications are bad, or that any one in particular is more dangerous or less effective than another. I know for a fact they have helped millions of people live better lives. I appreciate and respect the opinions of my doctors. It has taken me an incredibly long time to assemble a team that I feel understands who I am, the things that I value, and what I feel strongly contribute to my quality of life. When looking at this list of prescriptions in its entirety, I feel overwhelmed and resistant to take so many medications simultaneously. I struggle with the idea of treating everything individually when so many of these symptoms are intertwined or could possibly stem from the same cause.
The idea of taking this many medications causes me to feel as though I have no control over my body. In this list, there’s a pill to wake up, a pill to focus, a pill to relax, a pill to use the restroom, a pill to fell less, a pill to go to sleep and so on. It felt like by taking all of these medications, I was relinquishing my body’s autonomy. I felt like my whole existence was controlled by the pills I was being told would make my life easier. I didn’t want “easier” if it meant telling my body what to do at all hours of the day with chemicals and calling that life. I reminded myself that I still had a choice whether or not to take these medications and that wasn’t a choice that I took lightly.
It is a hard decision to make. I know that personally, I felt for some time that saying I didn’t want to resort to certain medications because I didn’t want to become dependent on them felt like I was signing myself up for ridicule. “She doesn’t want to get better.” “She is refusing treatment.” “She isn’t listening to the advice of her doctors.” “She doesn’t appreciate modern medicine.” These were all accusations I have heard. Truthfully, there were several different reasons I didn’t want to take specific prescriptions. I worried about the addictive components that a few of these medications carried. Coming from a family where I watched close relatives struggle with mental health, the medications they were on and addiction, I didn’t want to take any risks that I didn’t have to. I had to remind myself that when doctors prescribe a medication, it’s because they’re saying “this can solve for that problem” but it’s not the only way to try and achieve that. I wasn’t required to take a medication just because it was a proposed solution. That is exactly what it was; just one solution. It wasn’t taking into account the whole of what I was experiencing or how taking that medication would alter my system or impact other things I was going through. I wanted to try to take a holistic approach to treating as many of my symptoms as possible.
I do believe in modern medicine. I know how lucky I am to live in a time where brilliant minds have come up with ways to treat all sorts of issues with life changing medications to life saving vaccines. I know there is a place for medicine and science in my life. I have genetically high cholesterol. My doctor and several other resources told me to drink more water, exercise at least twice a week, eat less red meat and replace it with fish. Unfortunately, seeing as how I am a physically fit pescatarian, I already do all of the things that help to lower a person’s cholesterol. Hence, when prescribed medication to help lower my bad cholesterol, I took it immediately and still take it to this day. I struggle more with taking medications to silence the feelings of discomfort that my body is using to communicate with me. Of course I struggle with depression and anxiety! I have experienced tragedies that I still think about on a daily basis. I have an incurable disease that all but guarantees that no two days will ever be the same. Inconsistency is the most consistent pattern in my life. I perpetually expect the unexpected. I feel that my reactions to living this way are justified, and I don’t want to silence them. I want to have compassion for them. I want to train myself embrace them so that maybe they won’t come as such a shock to my system. I want to use them for good and not feel so negatively about them. I can’t do any of that if I am taking a medication that shuts off my brain’s receptors and tells my body to ignore the man behind the curtain. Don’t get me wrong, I openly and gleefully look forward to taking a Xanax before any flight I am on because my excruciating and crippling fear of flying is irrational and I am sick of having full blown panic attacks on planes. I do believe that there are people who need to take Xanax because their fears prevent them from functioning and a lot of those fears are ones that they simply cannot control. Where my anxiety and panic comes from is a place that is rooted in my fear of becoming a burden to my family or my life and health taking a drastic turn overnight. Those things are not irrational and even if they’re unlikely, they come from a good place that I think it behooves me to understand and not ignore.
It comes down to a preference of not wanting to distance myself from what my body is communicating to me. When I was diagnosed, I had the opportunity to understand why things were happening to me. All of the crazy symptoms and attacks I’d been having finally had a name. I didn’t want to silence my body ever again because without those symptoms, I may have never gotten the help I needed. I spent so long feeling detached from my health and wellness and when I finally took hold of my life again, I decided to feel everything. I wanted to face it all head on. I was better for it. It was no doubt harder to do, but far more rewarding for me and felt like actual progress was being made. All of this is to say that for so many of us who are currently on DMT’s (disease modifying therapies), we are hesitant to take many more medications because we feel that we are already putting our bodies through so much. I know my infusions are helping me. There’s no telling how much of my disease’s progression has been warded off due to this amazing drug that I am so fortunate to have access to. However, since that is a medication I know I will likely be on for the rest of my life, or until there is a cure for Multiple Sclerosis, I feel I have to be very selective of how I choose to treat my body and the issues that arise. I will never stop learning, questioning, or having concerns. I believe in letting my choices be the ones I live by. I know my body best and I know the lengths to which I am willing to go to avoid taking medications that might be avoidable. It’s a way that helps me reconcile that if I do end up having to commit to a prescription for an issue, it’s because I have exhausted all of my other viable resources and by moving through that process, it makes the pill a lot easier for me to swallow.
Comments