Enough Of What?

There are an overwhelming amount of things that need to be addressed and picking a place to start seems so daunting. A part of me wants to disappear into my comfort zone of being entertaining and funny and tell stories that take our minds off of the difficulties surrounding us. I love the idea that my next post could have been about the fact that my husband and I got dressed up during quarantine, told Alexa to play some Sinatra and learned how to make pasta together. However, a much bigger part of me knows that it is my responsibility to set all of that aside for the moment and write about the world beyond my Westwood patio. I do think lightheartedness is needed, but I also feel it is important to do this period of time justice and open up about the feelings that I’ve struggled with and how I have learned to adjust my frame of mind to better handle the high levels of stress we are all undoubtably facing.

Writing has always been therapeutic to me and I do it to try and draw connections from my heart to the world around me. I do it because I hope to connect with people who I may not be able to reach within my physical path. We are all family and it is so important to show up for one another and keep this conversation open, candid and ongoing. It is so necessary to hear different opinions and above all, it is imperative that we check in with each other from time to time rather than assume that we know how other people are feeling. Are you okay? I genuinely care.

It seems like every day there’s one horrible thing compounded by another. If it’s not Covid-19, it’s child trafficking, or the femicide in Turkey, or the epidemic of an imminent war in America over civil and human rights, or that every single day more and more people are unable to support their families, or explosions are destroying lives in the Middle East where they have already been suffering from hyperinflation, famine, and a governmental collapse, or the fact that we are living on a ticking time bomb and all of the aforementioned issues won’t even matter anymore if the place where all things exist ceases to be habitable. If you tried to read that sentence aloud, you’d most likely run out of breath halfway through it. That is exactly how I have found myself feeling during the last few months. I find myself forgetting to breathe because I am so consumed by all of the information about the state of the world constantly flooding the surface of the many screens that surround me. The weight of our current reality seems crushing and I am struggling to complete simple tasks that would normally be a part of my daily routine. It is so hard to focus on any one thing, let alone everything when some of our best efforts feel like they don’t even scratch the surface of the issues at hand. Feeling like you are so far from a goal is demoralizing, painstaking, discouraging, burdening, angering, heavy and sickening to name just a few of the frustrations. How can we go on while feeling all of those emotions and still make a positive impact? How are we supposed to keep pushing the needle if we feel like our actions don't even register on the scale?

I have been struggling with feelings of guilt, helplessness, fear, anxiety, righteousness, defensiveness and ultra-sensitivity. I feel guilty about the things I find difficult to handle. I feel wrong for thinking that I am having a tough day and I tell myself that someone always has it worse than I do. I feel ashamed that I could have ever been so blind or uneducated about a countless number of issues plaguing people, animals and the one Earth we are all supposed to share. I try to completely fill myself with knowledge so that I can figure out the best way to help rid the world of racism, prejudice, immorality and corruption. I feel defensive, personally victimized and attacked when someone displays a lack of empathy for the suffering of others. I feel like I am failing because no matter how much I do, there’s always another keyboard war or post riddled with false information waiting in the wings and constantly drawing my proverbial sword of righteousness doesn’t even seem to make a dent into what needs to be done to see evidence of change for the better. This has been a common theme in most, if not all, of my conversations lately. Friends and family have commiserated with me, voiced their exasperation at the very same struggles that I face and it has really made me wonder if we are able to climb out of what feels like a 170,000 ft hole.

What if there was a different way to process all of this so that instead of seeing failure or an inability to meet the moment, we could see a trend of progression and reframe our efforts with positivity? I have found that my feelings of guilt stem from the root cause of thinking that I am not doing enough to make a difference. Could simply rewording the dialogue we have with ourselves fill that gap and enable us to actually do more? When I get like this, I have to try and reason with myself. What is enough? Could there ever be such a thing- and if so, enough of what? Enough empathy? Enough understanding? Enough resources? I kid you not, the next thing I did was google the definition of the word enough because I went down the rabbit hole, and no, I wasn’t on drugs.

Here it is: As much or as many required.

I don’t know about you, but I actually found my answer there. I realized that “enough” when it comes to helping others or acts of kindness and compassion or standing up for causes that I believe in just can’t be given an arbitrary value. Enough shouldn’t be a goal or a destination on any of our journeys because there will always be more we can do to help. There will never stop being more people to embrace, more things that we can learn and it would be a huge mistake to ever stop at just enough. Enough should be the bare minimum from which we build the new system of our world. You can’t build a strong foundation without at least enough materials, so why have we all clutched on to this term to define the worth of our actions or our value as individuals? We are all already enough. Why? Because we are alive and that is the foundation on which every bit of greatness has ever been built. I have news for you, we were born enough and the only reason we ever grow up to feel less than is because people who were wrong about us told us differently. I am urging you not to harmonize with those voices.

Instead of thinking- “Am I doing enough?” I have learned to change the narrative for myself. I now ask myself: “What can I do today?” Rather than trying to quantify my effort, I simply make the effort and take pride in knowing that I am contributing to bettering a world I care about so much. That can include anything from making a donation to broadening my understanding of unfamiliar and uncomfortable topics, or helping someone do something they are unable to do for themselves. Now, instead of compounding negative emotions, my acts of service can compound to truly make a difference in the lives of those who need uplifting without needing to be substantiated by Webster’s dictionary. Maybe I’m not solving the problem entirely, but this way, I’m not closing the door by telling myself that one small contribution isn’t enough. We are no longer aiming for that. I am propping the door open for myself to continue to come back every day and to do the work. I have found nothing more fulfilling than the sense of duty that inherently comes with training myself to think this way.

Helping others is what really put things into perspective for me and because of this, I was finally able to significantly reduce my guilt. Don’t get me wrong, I still stub my toe on the couch corner and think to myself: “Why god, WHY?! What did I do to deserve this!?” But again, it is all about perspective and it’s okay to acknowledge when things don’t go your way. Shaming ourselves for having honest reactions to things that upset us is so counterproductive and we are setting ourselves up for the rude awakening that comes with realizing that a lot of times, we are causing our own resentment. As long as you’re still grateful for when things do go your way and you are ardently working to improve the lives of others in the ways that you are able to, I would say you’re doing great sweetie.

Finally, I want to emphasize that to take care of others, we have to take care of ourselves.

There is a reason they tell you to put on your own life vest before helping others. That reason is because you matter too! I promise you that you’ll be able to do more to help if you’re taken care of as well. I’ve noticed a common theme in some of my most giving friends and family and I think that you can all identify people in your own circles who fit this description. The people that I know that give the most to others often don’t spend enough time giving back to themselves and they suffer greatly for it. You CAN make a difference and your ability to do so starts with the way in which you set yourself up for success. We often confuse putting our needs first with selfishness and I’m here with both hands on either side of my mouth yelling at you to STOP THAT SHIT. Self care and self love are NOT the same as being selfish and I can’t stand when I hear people innocently use the phrase “it’s okay to be selfish.” We have to be kind to ourselves and stop forgetting to turn our care and compassion inwards, but we also have to carry compassion and generosity in everything we do. This world cannot take any more miscommunication and that means editing the things we say to ourselves first. So please, the next time you feel overwhelmed or guilty that you’re not doing enough, ask yourself first “What can I do today?” and remember that the answer to that question should sometimes be to take care of yourself.

I hope that everyone is staying safe, educated and is registered to vote.

Love,

Suni