When you’re living with an autoimmune disease, it’s interesting to observe how much life changes for you and sometimes, those changes are for the better. There are so many ways that having to scale back certain things in my life, due to my MS symptoms, has really benefited me. It’s not lost on me that I may have never been able to make these changes for myself if I didn’t feel held accountable by my ever-evolving health needs. I can’t count the number of times that I have asked myself why it took a serious illness for me to realize it is not only okay, but imperative to put myself first and understand my needs.
For far too long in my life, I equated being a good friend to how often I could do things I didn’t necessarily want to do so long as they were for a friend. This meant to show up at everything, travel more than I should, give my free time to others before giving it to myself and inviting everyone to everything. I think it is inculcated into us when we are young that going out of our way for someone is the right thing to do. I don’t agree with that and here’s why. I think there is a fine line between doing something inconvenient but that you’re able to do without causing yourself to feel stretched too thin, and trying to prove your friendship by giving more than you’re comfortable with.
One of the major things that has changed for me is the frequency of the plans I make and trying to do what I can to limit big group outings where I am unable to spend as much quality time with people. I have also started scheduling nonnegotiable periods of rest for myself between social outings. I have always been a very social person, but I am also a person who is easily drained emotionally and physically. I feel the need to always be “on” and with an audience, I morph into my most loquacious and energetic self. I have always considered myself to be a bona fide extrovert. However, I recently learned that there are several different types of extroverts and introverts. The person who came up with these terms actually said that people are never just one or the other. They are both, and yet fall somewhere on the spectrum with a tendency to lean more towards either side. This fascinated me and I felt like I might have had some sort of epiphany about why I was feeling systematically drained by a lot of relationships in my life. I was the common denominator and I wondered if there might be a way to mitigate the level of strain I was feeling.
I was pretty surprised when I identified greatly with what is known as an “extroverted introvert.” This is explained as someone who’s energy level is very much tied to their environment and they tend to be extremely sensitive to their surroundings. Extroverted introverts find relationships to be deeply fulfilling and meaningful, but have the tendency to put so much of themselves into their relationships that it causes them to struggle with maintaining a large social network due to amount of energy it requires of them. While I am sure that a lot of people might relate to that, I think living with a disease that is triggered by overexertion, stress, inflammation and overstimulation takes this all multiple steps beyond what the average extroverted introvert might experience. I have talked about my ongoing battle with fatigue and brain fog in past posts. When I become overstimulated my body keeps the score. I feel confused, flustered, rattled and often times, I get sick for weeks after I have socially extended myself. I realized that even if I felt in the moment that being super social and outgoing was fun and natural to me, I would have to spend days recovering and that pattern wasn’t sustainable. I physically and emotionally couldn’t cope with releasing that much energy in such a short period of time. I started to take note of when I would feel this way and what event or interaction could be linked to my body’s reactions, rather than only focusing on who I was with when I had them. For whatever reason, certain situations, even when super positive, felt entirely draining, while others felt recharging and didn’t seem to have negative impacts on my health as often.
I realized that maybe the difference in what can cause an interaction to either take away your energy or give you energy is the setting in which it is done and not always the people you are with. Again, fascinating stuff! I wanted to experiment with this and see if I could find a way to feel good about continuing to be my naturally outgoing self, building and maintaining healthy relationships, but in a setting that would allow me to leave feeling recharged. How could I adjust to find a happy medium that could satisfy my extroversion and introversion at the same time?
Learning this about myself was really helpful for me because I was then able to make adjustments to the way I socialized and connected with my friends and family. I now know that generally, I prefer to make plans with small groups of friends separately because I feel like I can really enjoy their company and connect with them better than if we were in a large group where I’d have to divide and distribute my attention. This isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate that sometimes it’s necessary to be in large groups. However, over the last few years, I have learned how saying no to things that would put me in a position to feel negatively afterwards was not only okay- it was necessary for me. I try to see my friends as much as I can, but I also feel a lot less pressure to go to things that I know will require too much energy of me, something that I don’t have much of to spare. What I then focused on was conveying this to my friends and setting these boundaries that may have been unfamiliar to them, but had to be a natural part of any friendship that I engage in.
What I have come to understand about companionship and closeness today is that it translates differently for everyone. People want those who love them to show up for them, but there are so many ways that we can do that without compromising our wellbeing or sacrificing to a point where it no longer feels good for us. I would say that overall, when I explain this to my loved ones, they totally understand. I really think that deep down, our friends just want to know that we care and that they’re important to us. Filling the gaps with strong communication and being open and honest about how you’re feeling can take so much pressure off of a situation. Just because you said no to a birthday party, a bachelorette or a girl’s trip doesn’t mean that coffee next week or dinner with a few close friends isn’t a strong yes! If we can’t show up to a bar or some big event, it doesn’t mean we love our friends any less, it means that the setting isn’t the best one for us to be the friend we want to be to them. I find that the more I learn and lean into wanting to explore why I am struggling with certain things, the more I am able to adjust and solve for those issues. The more I ask for the things I need from my friends and family in this regard, the better our relationships have become and the less overextended I have felt. Of course there are exceptions to everything and while I do believe that it is important to sometimes step outside of your comfort zone, I feel that we mustn’t treat all things as exceptions or they become the rule. I try every day to work harder on being able to distinguish between the two and making choices that will not only protect my wellbeing, but do justice to my social style and place an emphasis on the type of relationships I want to have with the people I love.
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