I am still getting over having the awful stomach virus that’s apparently going around so forgive me for the rambling and poor editing of todays post. However, I am staying accountable and committed to my goal of writing consistently and sharing with you all. If you read my last post, you’ll know what I mean when I say that this is me showing up dressed for a workout I can’t really do today. I normally post every Monday and Thursday, but when Monday came this week, I was so sick I couldn’t even sit up in bed. I allowed myself to take several days to recover. I really needed that time and I try to be mindful about repeating past habits of pushing myself past a breaking point to prove to people (myself) that I’m not just being “lazy” when I am sick. I knew that the perfect balance of allowing myself to rest while still staying accountable to my goals was to post today. I showed up in compromise, and I’m very glad that I did.
So often, I struggle with feelings of guilt and shame when I am sick. Whether I am sick from MS symptoms or I am sick with something else that is totally unrelated to my disease, I have the tendency to feel anxious and unworthy of rest because I need so much more of it than the average person. I’m a very active and proactive person. I always like to stay busy and having a routine that is planned out to the minute most days is something that really helps me stay on track. Having MS throws a wrench in my plans very often and when you’re someone who always feels like there are a million things you could be doing, it is so hard to accept that resting IS productive.
If you have an autoimmune disease, or any chronic illness, I am sure you can relate to being genuinely surprised that on top of dealing with all the symptoms we face day to day, we still catch viruses, have seasonal allergies, get splinters and all the rest. A small part of me has always felt resentful of the fact that having MS didn’t exempt me from having to deal with any of these other illnesses and inconveniences. If you’ve watched the Sex and The City Movies, you’ll know what I mean when I quote “Sweetie, you shit your pants this year. Maybe you’re done.” I genuinely thought after being diagnosed “At least I’m done. I know which disease I am going to have and now I just have to live with it.” It’s a huge bummer that life doesn’t work that way. The fact that I had this stomach virus this week and had to stay in bed for 3 days feels comically insulting given the several other things I have been going through recently.
Because it’s not uncommon for me to have days where it takes me extra time to get out of bed or even days where I am so dizzy, fatigued and discombobulated that it’s just better for me not to get out of bed at all, I feel immensely guilty when I catch a cold or the flu or the Norovirus because I have to lean on my husband Jack to care for me and pick up all my slack while I’m out of commission. I know being sick isn’t a crime. I know it’s often unavoidable or totally out of our control. I know Jack knows this too, and I know he’s totally understanding and loving when I do get sick. However, due to my lowered immune system, I get sick far more often than he does. It’s like a 30:1 ratio at this point.
Please understand when I say that I don’t look down on being sick. This isn’t a rational thought process, it’s very emotionally driven and I recognize that. It is a part of my experience and I really wanted to write about it here because I know I am not the only person who struggles with this. Because I get sick far more often than the average person, and also live with unpredictable symptoms, there are so many days where I feel like the weak link. I am a caregiver at heart and it’s very hard for me to have the roles reversed.
Jack has a highly stressful and demanding career. I am so in awe of him and I feel proud to see him work so hard and be such a great leader. We’ve had the advantage of working in the same industry and fully understanding how tumultuous and unpredictable our days can be. What helped us to run like a well-oiled machine was finding a balance of what we both can do at home and where our efforts make the most sense.
This week, when not vomiting (sorry for the overshare), I spent a lot of time reflecting on the feelings that were passing through me. It was so hard for me to hear Jack scramble to leave for work without his partner doing her part of the morning routine that sets the tone for a good day. I felt so sad hearing his heavy tired footsteps walking up the stairs with all the offerings (soup, medicine, water, tea, etc.) after he’d had a hard day and just wanted to collapse on the couch. But I also realized that I had to say out loud a couple times… “Suni you’re really, really sick. You physically couldn’t do that for yourself right now.” What dawned on me then was that I was going about things all wrong. I had a choice to make. I could either sit there and feel sorry for myself, for Jack, for the situation, or I could be appreciative that I have such a wonderful partner. One who doesn’t ever resent me, make me feel less than and one who constantly vocalizes how much he appreciates what I contribute to our life. To sit there and undo all of the good his words of affirmation and acts of service do for me, with negative thoughts that are trying to tell me otherwise, would be the least productive thing I could do and would be a negative contribution to our team. Ironically, for Jack, my guilt about being sick is actually the most frustrating part for him.
We have to remember that it is okay to have negative thoughts and feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and be honest with ourselves. What we should try to stay away from is allowing ourselves to believe that what we can’t do while being sick impacts our self-worth and value more than the things we can do when we are feeling well. We are so much more than our bad days and we contribute so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
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